Sexual healingSexNow that I have said no, he has stormed out and I feel like I’m in the wrong
I'm 31 and my boyfriend of 18 years prefers having sex a certain way: me playing with myself while watching porn as he sleeps; then I do him while he sleeps and wake him up after. At first this was fun but then he wanted it this way all the time. If I want normal sex he shouts and says he'll go with someone else.
Right now I've got viral meningitis. I can't sleep, my head hurts and I've been throwing up. I've still managed to have sex but recently I said no, and he didn't speak to me the whole night, left in the morning and hasn't responded to my calls since. I feel like I'm in the wrong and I've made him go elsewhere. He's cheated on me before and he's probably doing it again. I'm so ill I don't need this. Did I do the wrong thing?
The man you are with is controlling and coercing you, and you have put up with his behaviour for too long. As soon as he returns, set boundaries with him. Say: "It is unacceptable for you to disappear like that, and we need to discuss it". Then sit him down, express your feelings and ask for change. Let him know that bullying you into sex is never OK, and that it's absolutely inappropriate for him to treat you this way. Please start believing that you deserve far better. If he does not respond with vastly improved behaviour, consider walking away.
Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist specialising in sexual disorders
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